Uncertainty [Oneshot] - Part 1

[h_itoshi]

Title: Uncertainty
Fandom: Kis-My-Ft2
Pairing(s): Nikaido/Senga, Yokoo/Fujigaya, Miyata/Tamamori
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 12289 (split in two parts)
Summary: The thing is, that since he's never had a relationship that's lasted this long, he's never had to introduce a boyfriend to his parents.
Notes: Continuation of the University-AU-series. I kept up the prompts-system for this, and this one is "Your OTP getting into a fight and ignoring each other for a few days". (Got A LOT of shit for choosing that one, but I'm pleased). And oh god look at the wordcount what happened there lol.

 

"Well, then I'm out of ideas, you think of something." Fujigaya sighs as he sits down by the table with a huge coffee, not even glancing at Yokoo whom he takes the seat next to.

Tamamori just rolls his eyes and tugs a chair over from the table next to them before sitting down with an equally large cup. "I don't know."

"Hi to you too?" Senga smiles with a raised eyebrow.

"Hi." Fujigaya mutters, and then glances around at them, looking pretty worn out. He lays his hand over Yokoo's on the table, lacing their fingers together, and Nikaido sees how Yokoo tries to hide his smile at the shown affection.

Tamamori just nods a greeting as he tries to make his coffee cool faster by taking the lid off and uses it as a fan.

It's a Monday afternoon and they decided on a Starbucks date to study, and even though there hasn't been much studying done yet, there's been a whole lot of discussion about a new videogame Nikaido's bought.

"What's up?" Yokoo asks, voice soft as he looks at Fujigaya with concern.

Fujigaya has a tendency to be a bitch and whine a lot, but he's not often tired enough not to do it. It's Tamamori who speaks up.

"We got a new assignment today. We're supposed to make 'a wearable collection of ten looks that includes menswear'. And we're four people in a group." He sighs, rubbing his temple, and Fujigaya just whines in agreement.

Nikaido's not very good at fashion, and so he doesn't really understand what the problem is, but since they both look like they got hit by a bus, he supposes that's difficult.

"And that's bad I understand." Yokoo states, clearly reading the message on their faces even though he's about as fashionable as Nikaido, and normally tunes out Fujigaya's ranting.

"Yeah, the thing is that wearable is difficult to make interesting, and it's really hard when you're four people who are supposed to agree on something. And then menswear, what the hell, we've hardly worked with that yet. And ten looks in a collection, that means they're supposed to be cohesive." Fujigaya sighs and sips his coffee even though it's too hot, and winces as he burns his tongue.

Yokoo nods in understanding, and Nikaido kind of gets it. Normally he thinks that fashion is a damn waste of time working with, but then he thinks again that webdesign might not be the most world-saving education either.

"Do you have any restrictions? Does it have to be everyday-wearable?" Senga asks, serious, and Nikaido turns to look at him in surprise. Senga's not the best with fashion either.

Senga strokes back a strand of brown hair as he leans forward to look at Fujigaya and Tamamori, expectant.

They exchange a glance which says they're not really sure.

"Uhm..." Tamamori says and turns back to Senga, tilting his head in question. "Maybe. I don't know. Why?"

"Well, I was thinking... Maybe you could design for us?" Senga asks, sounding a bit over-casual, and Nikaido lays a hand on his thigh since he can hear that he's a little nervous. "We're both guys and girls and we really need to be able to move in our clothes?"

Fujigaya and Tamamori quickly turn to look at each other, and seem to have a silent conversation with their surprised looks and tilting of their heads, and it almost looks comical.

"That's a really good idea Ken-chan." Tamamori says, sounding astonished. "Street clothes but dance. That's awesome."

"We'll check with our teachers if we can do that." Fujigaya adds, and he even smiles a little. "It'd be fun."

"Yeah, you'd get to dress Kitayama in anything you wanted." Nikaido can't help himself, and Fujigaya glares daggers at him while Senga cracks up laughing.

"I'd put him in tight pants and something loose at the top." Tamamori muses to himself. "Maybe a boatneck."

"That sounds hot." Senga smiles while Fujigaya just groans, and then glances at Nikaido with a smirk. "What would I get?"

"Sleeveless." Both Fujigaya and Tamamori say at the same time and it makes Senga laugh.

Nikaido smiles softly as he gently strokes Senga's thigh.

It's almost been a year since their first date now, the one at the aquarium that wasn't really a date, and it feels better than any relationship Nikaido's had before. It's probably his longest too, since he's never made it past one year. But Senga is nothing like his ex-boyfriends, they're not even comparable.

"Wataru." Fujigaya says, looking at his phone, after a little while of failed attempts at studying. "My mom demands we come to dinner on Saturday to meet Ryosuke's new girlfriend. Are we free?"

"A new one? Again?" Yokoo raises an eyebrow and Fujigaya just shrugs. "Yeah, I think we are. Not many things are better than your mother's food anyway."

Fujigaya smiles and kisses his cheek, and Nikaido tries to keep the displeasure off his face, because they really are cute. "I'll tell her then."

The thing is, that since he's never had a relationship that's lasted for this long, he's never had to introduce a boyfriend to his parents. He's told them that's he's never liked a girl in his life, and probably never will, but they're not nearly as understanding as Fujigaya's family.

"Stop making that face." Senga nudges him with a smile and breaks his train of thoughts. "What are you even thinking about?"

"Nothing." Nikaido forces a smile since he can feel Yokoo's concerned eyes on him.

"... Okay." Senga raises an eyebrow which clearly says he doesn't believe him, but lets it go and returns to his books.

 

"So you still haven't told either of them." Yokoo states as soon as Senga's disappeared down the stairs at the train station and he's alone with Nikaido.

Nikaido thinks for a second about pretending to have no idea what Yokoo's talking about, but then figures there's no point.

"No." He heaves a sigh that feels too big for his lungs, a heavy feeling settling in his chest.

"You should." Yokoo says casually, and it sounds so simple Nikaido's hackles rise.

"Just because your mom adores Taipi and his family thinks you're the best boyfriend anyone could ever have." He snarls, but Yokoo just raises an unimpressed eyebrow.

"Let's have a coffee." He says and starts to walk away.

Nikaido stares for a second before hurrying to catch up with Yokoo. "You're kidding right, we just had coffee?"

"At my place." Yokoo explains, and Nikaido rolls his eyes, knowing there's no way of talking himself out of this. And to be fair, he might need to talk about it.

Fujigaya's thankfully not home when Nikaido kicks off his shoes in the hall of the apartment. It's small, but not tiny, perfect for two people, even though Fujigaya's stuff probably take up 75% of the space, while Yokoo lives on 10 and the rest is what they share.

“So do you want coffee or food?” Yokoo asks as he hangs up his jacket neatly, absentmindedly picking up one of Fujigaya's that has fallen off it's hanger.

“... I don't know.” Nikaido shrugs. “Whatever you wanna give me.”

Yokoo glances at the watch, and then walks into the kitchen to open the fridge, thoughtfully looking at the shelves. “Hmm, I think food. It's already 5.30 after all.”

“Yay, real food.” Nikaido smiles, thinking of all the take-away he's been eating lately and then jumps up to sit on the counter next to the fridge, peeking inside as Yokoo starts to pick out vegetables and meat.

“Do you have to sit there?” Yokoo purses his lips, but Nikaido only tilts his head, knowing Yokoo doesn't actually cook on this surface anyway. He shoves away a couple of bills and settles more comfortably.

“Unless you want my help?”

Yokoo snorts a laugh that has Nikaido's eyes narrowing, because he's not that bad at cooking. “Nah, I think I'll manage.”

Nikaido watches Yokoo move some breakfast dishes from the bench before starting to bring out a cutting-board and knife and pans and all kinds of stuff.

“So.” Yokoo says as he starts peeling a cabbage into leaves. “Why won't you tell Ken-chan about your parents?”

Nikaido sighs, fingering with a pen he found on the counter to busy himself somehow. “I... Don't know. I guess I haven't ever had a relationship this serious.”

It's true, and Yokoo knows this, knows him better than anyone since they've been friends since middle school. He was the one who hugged Nikaido tight when he was devastated about his parents reaction to his sexuality, the one who made Nikaido break up with his first boyfriend who was a dick to him, and of course, the one who made him go on a date with Senga.

“I know.” Yokoo confirms. “But isn't that all the more reason to tell him?”

Nikaido stays quiet as Yokoo chops the cabbage into pieces before tossing it in a pan, some strands of green fleeing onto the stove. He watches Yokoo pick them up and return them to their friends before starting in on peeling the carrots.

“Maybe.” He admits, because Yokoo's right and that's what's keeping him on edge these days. “I'm just... At the beginning I was just thinking that I shouldn't be too quick. Just take a day at a time you know? But now I'm starting to feel like there's just not a day at a time anymore, we plan things we're supposed to do in months, talk about things we could do in a year, and I'm a little scared.”

It feels good to tell someone this, because he's been thinking about it, the thoughts nagging in his head when Senga jokingly says things like Nikaido better take care of him when he's an old man and has broken every bone in his extremities at least once from dancing.

Nikaido's relationships, the three he's had that could even count as relationships, has always been shallower, revolving around sex and not being lonely, nothing like what he has with Senga. He still gets sex and he can't even remember what being lonely feels like, but there's also a mutual feeling of affection between them, a promise about a future and wanting to be together that has Nikaido feeling uncomfortable.

Yokoo smiles, a soft smile that's almost father-like. “That's how things should be though. If you still love each other you're supposed to be able to plan a future together.”

“But it's scary.” Nikaido whines, but he doesn't sound childish even to himself, because he really means it. He's scared. “What if we plan something, plan our life, and then suddenly we break up? How am I supposed to ever move on from that?”

Yokoo turns around to look him in the eye then, the small smile fading from his lips and Nikaido glances down at the knife he still holds for a second. “You don't know if you don't try though?”

Nikaido bites his lip and looks away, because he's been in love and rejected before and it wasn't pleasant. He doesn't want to let it go too far, because it can only hurt more.

“Nika, don't be ridiculous. I know you're scared but you love him. This is why you're not living together yet either, right? You should. You practically live at each other's homes anyway.”

“Well, what if it doesn't work out once we actually live together? What if we get really annoyed at each other and fight all the time?” Nikaido hurries to throw out, his own arguments that seems valid to him and has kept him from bringing it up for a long time.

“That's not it at all though.” Yokoo looks him over sternly and Nikaido shifts. “You're just afraid that if you move in together and then break up you would have to start over, find a new place to live and everything.”

“Yeah so what.” Nikaido mutters, biting his lip as he looks away, scared he might actually start crying if this keeps up.

At that moment the door opens and Fujigaya calls out that he's home, and Nikaido shakes himself a little. Yokoo glances towards the hall before giving Nikaido another stern look. “It's okay to be scared. But not too scared.”

Fujigaya enters the kitchen with cheeks pink from autumn wind and takes one glance at Yokoo's and Nikaido's faces before the smile fades from his face. “Oh. I'm really interrupting something, right?”

“No.” Nikaido forces a small smile that he knows isn't fooling anyone.

“I could go to my room if you want to talk?” Fujigaya says, looking more at Yokoo than Nikaido, but Yokoo just smiles and turns back to his vegetables.

“Why don't you tell Nika about the first time you met my parents?” He says, almost like an afterthought, and Fujigaya's eyebrows shoot up under his bangs and then he looks at Nikaido, clearly confused.

“What, why?”

Nikaido almost laughs at his face, but Yokoo just shrugs and Fujigaya makes a grimace like what the hell, and then leans against the fridge since it's closest.

“I was terrified the first time. I remember Wataru told me that it was all okay, nothing to worry about. But I'd never been gay before, you know.” Fujigaya makes a face. “For real. And Watta's brother was already married and his wife was pregnant and there I come into the family, a fashion student and a boy.”

Nikaido tilts his head, because he's probably only heard Fujigaya talk about feeling insecure when he's drunk.

“I just didn't feel like I could measure up, you know?” Fujigaya continues, and Nikaido can see Yokoo's small flattered smile as he pretends not to listen. “Watta's parents weren't delighted, he'd told me, but they'd give me a chance, and that's not really the premises you want to meet on, right? But then...”

He trails off and smiles and Nikaido's heart aches a little and he has no idea whether he's happy or sad or jealous.

“Then they were all so sweet to me. Wataru's dad was a little strict at first, but we had dinner together and he loosened up, asking me things and listening to the answers. All I really wanted was for them to accept me, and then when we were leaving, Watta's mom even asked for my phone number.” Fujigaya laughs.

“Well, you're cute when you're uncertain.” Yokoo says dismissively, but he's still smiling, not fooling either of them.

“That's not the same thing though.” Nikaido says slowly. “My parents aren't like yours.”

“... So Ken-chan hasn't met them huh?” Fujigaya asks softly, serious for once as he catches on what this is about.

“Nope. And I really don't want them to.” Nikaido mutters. “They'll just ruin everything.”

“Hey.” Fujigaya lays a hand on his shoulder, and Nikaido looks up, surprised. “It'll be fine. You should at least tell them.”

Nikaido huffs and he feels a little cornered even though he knows they mean well.

“Take your time.” Fujigaya smiles, and then turns to Yokoo to ask what he's making while taking three wine glasses from a cupboard.

Nikaido feels warm and fuzzy when he walks home, so happy that he has the best friends in the entire world. He's a little drunk, but not too much, and it's all just perfect with the chilly autumn air brushing his cheeks and ruffling his hair as he walks towards his building. He thinks of what to do when he gets inside, and decides that maybe he'll just crawl into bed and fall asleep without caring about anything. Then his phone vibrates in his pocket, and he reaches down to see what's going on.

When he looks at the display, the fuzzy feeling quickly fades and he thinks about not answering. It's his mother and she rarely talks to him these days.

“Hey.” He says when he picks up, voice a little weaker than he'd have wanted.

“Takashi, hi, it's mom.” She says, a little hurried.

“Hi.” He answers, wondering what she wants and instantly wants her to hang up and let him live his life in peace.

“Your father and I are coming into town next weekend. We'd like to see you.” She says, tone firm.

“Why?” Nikaido asks, partly the wine making him brave enough to question it.

His mother breathes an irritated sigh through her nose and Nikaido knows exactly what kind of look she'd give him if they were face to face.

“We haven't seen you in a long time. Your sister visits at least once a month you know?” She plays the guilt card and Nikaido frowns, snapping a “fine” before hanging up.

He unlocks his door and tosses the keys on a small table, feeling angry and sad and guilty at the same time, and he curses his mother for ruining his night.

He goes directly to bed, curling up under his blankets and he really wishes Senga was here with him.

 

 

Can I see you after school?

 

Nikaido texts Senga the first thing he does the next morning, after a night of tossing and turning and hugging a pillow instead of whom he really wanted to hold. He's had a couple of nightmares, he's sure, but he doesn't remember much more than his mother shouting at him and Senga crying, but that's more than enough.

 

Sure. We're going to see Gaya and Tama at 4, to take measurements and stuff. But you should come too, so they don't give me anything indecent.

 

There's another chime from his phone immediately.

 

What do you want for dinner btw?

 

Nikaido smiles at the answers, feeling a little more at ease as he responds that he wouldn't really mind indecent, and that Senga pick the food.

But as he sits through a long boring class on colouring, there's still a nagging feeling of unease in his belly, thinking of how to tell Senga he's not going to be able to see him next weekend without saying he's meeting his parents. Because Senga wants to meet them, he knows that, even though Senga's never said it straight out he can see it in his eyes whenever Nikaido mentions his family.

Nikaido's met Senga's family. This summer, they went down to Nagoya where Senga's from to meet his parents and his brother, and it was an amazing week of making fun of Senga along with his brother, being taken care of by Senga's mother and told stories by his father.

They liked Nikaido, and Nikaido liked them, but thinking about it just makes him feel so guilty that he can't give Senga the same thing.

Yokoo sits next to Nikaido and looks like he wants to ask what's wrong, but he doesn't and Nikaido's thankful for it. He just needs some more time to think about this.

They go to Tamamori's and Fujigaya's workroom together, since Yokoo wouldn't pass up on a chance to see Fujigaya, ever, even if he tries to deny it.

A girl with a measuring tape around her neck and pins in her mouth raises an eyebrow when they enter, clearly not recognizing them as someone who should be there, but she's busy picking pins out of something black on a dress form and doesn't say anything.

Tamamori spots them first and smiles. “Hey! So you're here too?”

“Yeah.” Nikaido smiles as he sees Senga, sitting on a table and waiting for his turn. “Kenpi told me he was worried you'd put him in something indecent if I wasn't here to protect him.”

Senga rolls his eyes with a laugh, but urges for Nikaido to come closer. “Not quite my formulation there.”

“Hardly much difference.” Nikaido says softly and lets Senga sneak an arm around his waist and hug him.

Fujigaya looks up from where he's measuring Kitayama with thin lips, clearly not very pleased with his model, and sends Yokoo a helpless look when he sees him.

“Hey baby.” Yokoo smiles, and Fujigaya looks like he wants to throw himself into Yokoo's arms and cry, but Kitayama turns his head and gives Yokoo a mischievous smirk.

“Hey there handsome.” Kitayama says, and Fujigaya tightens the measuring tape around his arm considerably, making him wince.

Tamamori chats and flirts with the girl he's measuring, seeming fully comfortable with complimenting her shape, and Nikaido can feel Senga laugh against his side when she blushes a little.

“All our girls are gonna fall in love with these two.” Senga says softly, amusement in his voice, and Nikaido just smiles as he watches Kitayama bitch about that he is definitely taller than the number Fujigaya's written. At least two centimetres.

“As long as you don't.” Nikaido mumbles back, his arm around Senga's shoulders tightening a little.

“Of course not, stupid.” Senga laughs and pokes him in the side, and then Kitayama's voice sounds way too loud in the room considering what he's saying.

“If you doubt me there is something in my pants you can measure.” He smirks, eyes narrowed in challenge, which makes Fujigaya's cheeks flush and he swats Kitayama with the measuring tape, which earns him a laughed “kinky”.

“Tama, take him please.” Fujigaya whines loudly, but Tamamori and the girl he's measuring just laugh at his misery.

“Mitsu, behave.” Senga says, echoed by the girl sitting next to him, and so Kitayama lets Fujigaya loop the tape around his hips with only a small smile.

Yokoo sits down on the table next to where Nikaido's standing, trying hard to stifle his laughter. “He's going to be so flustered about this later.” He says quietly enough for only Nikaido and Senga to hear.

Eventually Kitayama is done, and Fujigaya wipes the bangs out of his face with a deep sigh, the relief clear on his features. “Ken-chan, come on, your turn.”

Senga hops down from the table, and Nikaido feels strangely cold. Kitayama takes Senga's place and greets Nikaido with a nod. “Hey.”

“Having fun?” Nikaido asks, and Kitayama nods with a small laugh.

“Wish I could do this everyday.”

Senga is ordered to take his sweater off, and Nikaido can't help but think about how good he looks in a tank top as Fujigaya lets the measuring tape run down Senga's bare arm. It's a little ridiculous, but he doesn't like Fujigaya's hands on Senga like that, doesn't like how he touches Senga's skin as he takes all kinds of measurements, because there's much more familiarity in his touch now than when he did Kitayama.

It must show on his face, because Yokoo nudges him a little, and Nikaido turns to him, meeting a look that plainly says 'really?'.

“That's my boyfriend you're hating on.” He mumbles, and Nikaido blushes a little.

“Sorry, I...” He starts, then shakes his head with a laugh, but the feeling stays in his chest and he doesn't like it.

“So you guys wanna go out for dinner later?” Kitayama leans forward to casually ask while wrapping a scarf around his neck.

“I don't know.” Nikaido says, thinking about Senga asking him what he wanted for dinner earlier. “Don't know if Kento's got plans.”

“We might.” Yokoo says, glancing at Fujigaya and then back to Kitayama. “Unless Taisuke's too wound up.”

“You're both true boyfriends, you know that?” Kitayama raises an eyebrow with a laugh. “'Just gotta check with my girlfriend first'. You should be able to have a guys-night and drink beer and talk about porn once in a while.”

Nikaido shoves at him while Yokoo just rolls his eyes.

“Hey Ken-chan.” Kitayama calls, clearly deciding to ask the authorities directly, voice a little louder to get Senga's attention. Senga turns with a questioning noise while Fujigaya measures his chest. “You wanna come out for dinner later? Your boyfriend won't answer me.”

Senga glances at Nikaido with raised eyebrows, and Nikaido shrugs, even though he really wanted to eat at home with Senga. Have some alone time and just hug him all night long.

“Sure.” Senga shrugs with a smile that melts Nikaido's heart and could make him agree to anything. Senga ruffles Fujigaya's hair, earning him a squeak. “You're coming too right?”

Fujigaya pokes Senga in the side to make him jump, and then quickly fixes his hair, taking his time to glare at Kitayama. “Maybe we will. Honestly Mitsu should buy me a drink for being so bloody difficult.”

Kitayama shrugs. “As long as you put out.”

That makes Fujigaya growl and take a step towards him, eyes narrowed in anger, but Senga grabs his arm to stop him, and Yokoo calls out something about enough flirting with his boyfriend, and Fujigaya calms down enough to finish Senga's measurements. Nikaido follows the motion of his hands, but then quickly engages in conversation instead, because the touch doesn't sit very well with him no matter what they say.

 

Later, they're sitting around a table at an izakaya and they're all a little drunk. Nikaido's not sure this was the best night to have drinks for him, because he's not feeling happy and fuzzy like he normally does, only restless and with a need for closeness which has him pressing closer to Senga all the time. Senga's a flirt when he's tipsy, which means he leans about as much on Kitayama's shoulder as he does Nikaido's, his smile radiant towards everyone, and Nikaido really just wants to take his hand and go home.

Kitayama drinks with Miyata, and they're chatting loudly about some manga that sounds pretty questionable for a public space, but luckily Tamamori's too drunk to be ashamed. He's next to Yokoo, smoking his third cigarette as they talk teasingly about Fujigaya, who's clinging to Yokoo's arm to try and hear what they're saying. Kitayama did buy him a drink, a pink one that nobody knew what it contained, and then he's had a few more so he's definitely drunkest of them all.

Senga's listening to Yokoo's and Tamamori's conversation and adds something with a laugh occasionally, but Nikaido hasn't bothered following it, more interested in trying to keep Senga close and listening to what Miyata says about his tentacle manga.

Until Senga suddenly blurts out something that makes Nikaido's heart stop. “Yeah, like that time he kissed me.”

Nikaido's head snaps his way instantly, staring at him.

“Taipi kissed you?” Tamamori asks with a little laugh, and Miyata's hand pushes his arm away when he gets a little careless with the cigarette.

“Yeah, at that Halloween party two years ago.” Senga smiles, and Nikaido has no idea what to feel right now. He remembers Fujigaya mentioning something like that, but he was certain it was just something Fujigaya made up to try and make Yokoo jealous. “Right Gaya?”

“Mm, Ken-chan's a good kisser.” Fujigaya mumbles, leaning his head on Yokoo's shoulder.

Yokoo doesn't look very amused, his eyes hard, and it's clear that he didn't believe Fujigaya at that time either. “You do realize we were dating then?”

“Yes.” Fujigaya mumbles softly, rubbing his cheek against Yokoo's sweater like a cat. “I've told you I kissed him, but you didn't care.”

Yokoo's jaw clenches but he seems to decide that now is not the time. But Nikaido can't really process it that fast, images from earlier of Fujigaya's hands on Senga's skin resurfacing in his mind, and he wants to cry and shout at the same time.
Senga doesn't seem very regretful, only continues the conversation with Tamamori, and Nikaido's hands clench under the table to keep his emotions under control.

Then he takes out a couple of 1000 yen bills to cover his share and puts them on the table before getting up to leave without saying a word.

“Nika?” He hears Senga ask when he shrugs his jacket on, but he doesn't stop, only grabs his bag and leaves the table, heading for the exit.

He half expects Senga to follow him, and he wants him to at the same time as he just wants to be alone, and finds himself hurrying to the train station without looking back.

“Nika!” He hears behind him just when he's about to descend the stairs to the station, and he stops involuntarily, turning around to see Senga hurrying after him, jacket unzipped and scarf hanging loosely around his neck, bag slung over his shoulder.

Senga reaches him, cheeks pink and eyes shiny, but he's definitely sobered up a little from the run and fresh air, and he tugs Nikaido aside so they're not in everyone's way. “What was that about?”

“You don't know?” Nikaido asks, his tone short and hard and he thinks that this is the last place they should be having this conversation. “... We should go home.”

Senga looks at him with concern for a moment before slowly nodding, turning to head down the stairs.

Nikaido follows and they take the train going to Senga's place, Nikaido feeling more and more uneasy the further they get since he's not very good at acting calm once he's upset.

He manages to contain himself until they're out in the night air again, heading towards Senga's building.

“You kissed Fujigaya?” He asks, not even bothering to sound like he doesn't care.

“I... Yes?” Senga glances over at him with a confused look. “Before I even knew you existed?”

“You could have told me.” Nikaido mutters, refusing to meet Senga's gaze.

“What? Why?” Senga asks, and Nikaido hears that he thinks Nikaido is just acting stupid right now. “You mean I was supposed to go 'oh by the way here's a list of people I've kissed, we can get together after you read it', or what?”

“No, but you could have told me you've kissed Gaya since he's someone we actually hang out with. Both together and alone.” Nikaido answers and his tone echoes how he feels, hurt and defensive.

“Nika don't be ridiculous, Gaya's with Watta and they're in love, and I'm with you and I'm in love too, so why on Earth would it matter that I've kissed him?” Senga raises his voice a little, bordering on yelling, and his hot breath turns into a cloud in the cold air.

“It just does!” Nikaido tries again. “What would you feel if suddenly it turns out I've kissed, I don't know, Watta or Miyacchi? And by the way, Gaya kissed you while dating Watta!”

“I wouldn't care since it wasn't while you were with me? I can't control your past, can I? I only care about what you've been doing with others if it's during our relationship!” Senga stops and turns to glare at Nikaido. “And yes maybe he did but that's his decision right? I didn't know he had a boyfriend, and we were drunk and it was hardly a long kiss?”

Nikaido stops as well, standing in the middle of the pavement just 100 metres from Senga's door, and luckily there's no one else around. “Well maybe it doesn't mean anything to you but it does to me okay? Now all I'll be able to think about when I see the both of you is you kissing! And is it really so weird that I care even if it happened a long time ago? I just don't want to loose you and I don't want to think about you with anyone else!”

Nikaido shouts, probably loud enough for someone with an open window to hear, and he tries to catch his breath after getting all the words out.

“Well though luck Takashi, I've been with others before you and you will have to deal with that!” Senga shouts back, and Nikaido feels like he just shoved a knife into his heart.

“Yeah and you will have people after me too so I'll just have to deal with that as well right?!” He yells back before he can stop himself, feeling close to tears.

“... Nika, what? What does that even mean?” Senga asks, sounding more confused than angry now. “... You want to break up with me?”

“No!” Nikaido hurries to say, before looking away. “But you will, someday, I guess.”

Senga's eyes narrow, like he just realized something, and Nikaido's not sure he likes that. “... This has nothing to do with me kissing Gaya, does it?”

His voice is scarily calm, like he's really angry but tries to conceal it, and Nikaido bites his lip and slowly shakes his head, because it isn't, not really.

“Why are you so angry then, because you think that someday I'll break up with you?” Senga continues. “Nika, what the fuck?”

“Everyone else has, so.” Nikaido says, trying to keep his voice firm, because this is not where he wanted this to go.

Senga just stares at him for a few long moments, and he looks furious. “... I can't believe you. How the fuck do you think this relationship could ever work if you're only waiting for me to break up with you?! Are you even trying to make this last or are you just waiting?!”

“What?!” Nikaido bursts out. “If you think I don't want this to last you can think again, I'm just saying I have troubles expecting it!”

Senga bites his lip, and Nikaido feels something cold clutch his insides because something he just said hurt Senga really bad.

“So you don't trust me then, is that it?” Senga asks, voice at normal conversation volume again. “You think I'll leave you as soon as something difficult happens? Is this why you're still keeping me out?”

“Of course I trust you, what is that even supposed to mean?!” Nikaido tries to keep his own voice down but he really can't.

“But still you're keeping me out? Like you won't let me see your family?” Senga asks sternly, and Nikaido knows that Senga sees the answer on his face because he hit the nail on the head right there. “Really!? I thought I was being good and patient, figuring you'd let me when you were ready, but you're never going to let me meet them, are you!? You're just waiting for us to break up so I don't have to!”

“I'm not waiting for us to break up, Kento, please, I'm not!” Nikaido tries to explain, but Senga doesn't want to hear it.

“You can say that all you want, but what you do says the opposite.” He says acidly, but his eyes are glazed over and Nikaido can see he's not far from crying. “I've let you in on my whole life Takashi, and you're still hesitating to even talk to me about your family, I don't even know why you don't want me to see them! Fuck, I don't even know your parents names!”

Nikaido bites his lip and he has no idea what to do to save this, how to make Senga understand why this is so difficult and how much he wants him to be a part of everything in his life. But what he says is true and it's hard to argue with. “Kento that's not what I mean at all, please, I-”

“I just think that's a pretty important part of someone's life, knowing where they come from and who they're closest with, and even if you don't see them very often they're still your family. I'd get it if you don't get along or whatever makes you this reluctant talking about them, but you won't even tell me!” Senga continues, the first tear breaking free from his eyelashes and Nikaido feels like the worst person to ever walk the planet. “To me, it feels like you don't trust me enough, like you think that I'll leave you anyway so it's not worth the bother to introduce me! If you see it from my perspective it's like I'm closing in on my 'best before' date and you're just waiting for me to leave!”

“No!” Nikaido protests, reaching out for Senga's shoulders to try and make him calm down enough to listen, but Senga backs away.

“I think you should go home Takashi.” He says, voice cold and quiet, and something breaks within Nikaido.

“Kento that's not it at all, of course I trust you! There's just-” He starts, but Senga cuts him off.

“Just go!” He yells, trying to fight his tears, and Nikaido takes a step back, trying to think of something to say.

But Senga just gives him one last glare before turning on his heel and heading for his door.

Nikaido stands frozen, wanting to run after Senga and hug him tight, tell him how much he loves him, but somehow his limbs don't want to collaborate, and he can only watch Senga disappear inside without a single look behind.

He stands there for more than a minute, just wondering how everything turned out so wrong, before the tears start coming and he leans back against the wall, doing his best to hold them back.

He takes his phone out with shaky hands and manages to find Yokoo's number, thinking that there is no way he'll survive this night alone. But the signals keep going through and Yokoo doesn't pick up, and Nikaido curses and tries to keep back a new wave of tears. He feels them burn at the corners of his eyes and his throat closes up because it feels a little like the universe thinks he deserves to be alone right now, but he clenches his jaw because he's not going to cry right here on the street.

He swallows a couple of times before trying Miyata's number instead.

“Hello?” Miyata answers after three signals, and he sounds a little confused, with all good reason since it's nearly midnight on a Tuesday, and Nikaido can't hold his tears back anymore when he hears Miyata's voice.

“Hi.” He manages, and his voice breaks even on the single syllable.

“Nika?” Miyata asks, confusion immediately switched to concern. “You okay?”

“... Not really.” Nikaido says, drawing a shaky breath. “Can I... Are you alone?”

“You want to come over?” Miyata asks, and the genuine worry in his voice only makes Nikaido's tears run faster and he raises his sleeve to wipe them away.

“Yeah. Can I?”

“Of course. I'll wait for you.” Miyata settles, and Nikaido hangs up, wiping his tears again before heading back towards the train station, hoping nobody looks too closely at him.

To Part 2

 

Comments

[nicnatha.livejournal.com]

Waaah! I told you before I absolutely! Absolutely love this Universe. And I'm commenting now, before I read Part II because you are so mean :( Poor Kenpi and poor Nika-chan!

But I still adore the relationship between Gaya and Mitsu xD Its just so hilarious!

So gonna read Part II now :D Hope you'll fix that :3