Chance to Change [Oneshot]

[h_itoshi]

 

Title: Chance to Change
Fandom: Hey! Say! JUMP
Pairing: Yamada/Chinen
Rating: R
Wordcount: 8576
Warnings: University-AU. Stupid boys idk?
Summary: Three weeks pass and none of them mention what happened, and it should be exactly what Chinen wanted. But it's not.
Notes: I've had this lying around finished but not good enough imo for like a month, but I'm sick of not knowing how to fix it to my liking so here it is anyway. It's a very self-indulgent immediate continuation of this, my ~1,5 year old uni-au, so I don't think it makes much sense without that one. I will most likely write a third and final part but. Not making any promises because I'm a snail.

"No." Chinen immediately answers, pulling a leg up to hide the obvious bulge in his pants that he tries to will down. He hopes his hostile tone will make Yamada go away, but he's not that bothered, only the smile fades as he closes the door after him and steps into Chinen's room. "You're drunk, go away."

"I don't want to." Yamada replies, sounding mostly arrogant but Chinen hears the undertone of uncertainty.

"Not everything is about what you want Ryosuke, get out of my room." Chinen snaps, glaring at Yamada for a moment but he can't keep it up. He's still too out of control of his emotions and urges to properly handle Yamada's presence, and he ends up throwing an arm over his eyes to make things easier.

"I don't think you want me to." Yamada points out, sounding way too fucking pleased with himself, and Chinen opens his mouth to bite something unpleasant at him, but he feels the bed dip and he immediately gets up on his elbows in panic.

Yamada looks a little surprised at the reaction, but he just raises an eyebrow like he doesn't understand why he can't be here.

"Get out." Chinen demands, as coldly as he can, forcing himself to glare straight at Yamada to prove how much he means it.

"Why?" Yamada frowns now, and Chinen curses the fact that Yamada's so pretty he always gets his way no matter what and he's used to it.

"Because I'm not gonna be your little gay experiment or whatever it is you want, go to bed or something just get out!" Chinen almost loses control of his voice and shouts as he sits up properly to give Yamada a good shove, and it feels good because he needs to let his frustration out somehow and everything is Yamada's fault anyway.

"Stop it!" Yamada protests, shoving back, and of course Chinen just shoves back harder. He just wants Yamada to leave so he can calm his body down and then cry in peace and wonder when he's moving out.

But it all backfires completely when Yamada almost falls off the edge of the bed and shifts his weight to keep from doing so, a hand landing on Chinen's thigh and it feels good. It only makes him angrier though, because he's not supposed to let Yamada make him feel good at all. He opens his mouth to protest, but Yamada precedes him.

"Would you calm down?!" Yamada tells him so fiercely Chinen can't make himself interrupt. "You can't just... You can't... I can't believe you did that, and it was... You can't just leave!"

"That's what boys do when they're scared." Chinen says venomously, very aware of his jab at Yamada's ordinary behaviour.

Yamada's eyes narrow immediately, but Chinen can't decide whether he's mad or suspiciously confused, but his tone of voice is warning. “What's that supposed to mean?”

"Don't be stupid, you know very well what that means. If you want to call me disgusting you can do that tomorrow, now just fucking leave?" He tries again, frustrated in every meaning of the word.

"What? No! Why are you so difficult?!" Yamada sounds equally frustrated, shoving at Chinen so suddenly he can't catch himself, and Yamada tumbles after and in the mess of limbs trying to catch themselves, suddenly there's a hand that's not Chinen's against his crotch.

The raw moan that forces itself past Chinen's lips is completely unexpected, he's not even sure he's made a noise like that before in his life. But there's suddenly pressure over his still mostly there erection, and just knowing that it's Yamada's hand lights his hormones on fire so much it swallows the feelings of uncomfortable and embarrassing in a heartbeat.

"Oh." Yamada says, sounding surprised, and Chinen can't look at him, tries to gather enough willpower to push him away because this won't end well, but then Yamada's fingers move in an experimental rub and he can't even think.

"Fuck." He swears, and it's almost a pathetic whine because he wants to say no to this but it feels so good his body won't let him speak it.

Yamada doesn't speak either, but Chinen can feel his presence as he shifts for more leverage, and he doesn't remove his hand, quite the opposite.

There's more pressure, and Chinen's so close, all the frustration just waiting for an outlet, no matter if it's an orgasm or an outburst of rage.

He feels Yamada shift again, then there's breath against the junction where his neck meets shoulder, and when it almost feels like there's a brush of lips, Chinen can't hold himself together anymore.

He comes in his pants like a teenager, pulsing against Yamada's hand and there's a small surprised noise in his ear that just makes him loose himself more.

It's a mindblowing orgasm, leaving his limbs too lazy to move even though his mind quickly returns to reality and what just happened and that it shouldn't have.

He doesn't open his eyes, kind of hoping that as long as he doesn't see Yamada he's not really there, and his pants quickly get uncomfortable but he refuses to move.

Yamada's weight over him disappears, and Chinen half expects him to just get up and leave without saying a word. But he's surprised.

“I'm tired.” Yamada mumbles, not sounding very panicked at all but rather sleepy, and Chinen feels that warm weight next to him instead and a head leans on his arm.

Chinen opens his eyes to see if he understands the situation any better like that, but he doesn't. Yamada's next to him, not exactly cuddling but his head is on Chinen's arm and his eyes are already closed.

“Yama-chan?” Chinen tries, because what the hell, but Yamada just grunts without opening his eyes, clearly half asleep already.

He must be drunker than Chinen originally thought, but he figures there's no point in trying to wake him up, instead decides to just indulge in this moment because it will never happen again. And falling asleep with the smell of Yamada's hair in his face is probably one of the best things he's done.

The next morning when his alarm goes off, Yamada's not in his bed and he wonders if he imagined the whole thing yesterday. Maybe just another wet dream that was really realistic.

But the sheets are messy on the side of the bed he didn't sleep on, and the fabric smells of Yamada all over. Chinen snoozes almost twice as long as he normally does without sleeping another second, dreading the moment he'll have to get up and face Yamada and the consequences of what happened. In the end, he can't stay in bed for one more minute without being late for classes, and drags himself up and into decent clothing.

But when he comes into the kitchen to make his coffee, Yamada's there preparing his lunch box and just yawns and says good morning like it's just any other day. And nothing changes.

Three weeks pass and none of them mention what happened, and it should be exactly what Chinen wanted.

But it's not. Because Yamada keeps talking about his parties and friends and the girls he's interested in and Chinen's jealousy levels have risen with about 200%, which makes it really difficult to contain his reactions to hearing all the things Yamada does that he's not part of. At times he even wants to slap Yamada in the face and tell him to fucking behave because what he's doing is bordering on mental torture.

It takes him a while to realize that maybe Yamada's doing it on purpose.

He keeps talking about girls in a way that's more provocative than complaining these days, and once Chinen starts thinking about it, he sees Yamada watch him closely for reactions to descriptions of kisses and who's got really nice legs and so on.

He also starts noticing Yamada paying attention to him more often than he has before. He seeks Chinen out at home even when he's studying, comes into his room to talk instead of doing it when they're both in the kitchen, comes home early more often so they can have dinner together, and he even asks if maybe Chinen could help him with this homework he can't solve.

It makes Chinen think about possibilities, but he doesn't let himself believe anything, because he's probably just pathetic.

Pathetic and dissatisfied. Of course he's dissatisfied. He's actually really frustrated. He's already forgetting details about what it was like to touch Yamada and it makes him furious with himself, like it was just a one night stand under the influence of alcohol and bad judgement. He wants it to be more than that, wants to do it again, wants to touch Yamada all over and have him make those pretty sounds, and he starts thinking about things he's never allowed himself before. His daydreams never reached past any clothes, to be safe, but now he catches himself thinking about Yamada bending him over the kitchen table when they're just standing there waiting for coffee and talking. He wonders what it'd feel like to have Yamada's hands on him, what it'd feel like to be fucked by him.

The thought half disgusts him, because he can't stop thinking of all the places Yamada's been and he refuses to be reduced to just another one, and at the same time it's the only thing he can think about, wanting to pull Yamada into bed and make him forget he's ever been with anyone else before.

But he's good at acting cold. That's what he's always done.

He makes it three weeks before he decides he needs help.

He forces Yuto and Keito out and into a really crowded pub where nobody hears what anyone's saying, making sure Keito's got some alcohol in him and then tells them the whole story.

Yuto's eyes are so round in surprise that Chinen's afraid they'll fall out, and Keito just gapes, half disgusted and half intrigued.

“Well if one of my closest friends would have given me an amazing blowjob, I'd totally start paying more attention to them.” Yuto says like that's obvious.

“I never said it was amazing.” Chinen protests, having blushed so much in shame about this already that he's not even blushing anymore.

“You said he followed you, that means he liked it.” Yuto settles, then looks thoughtful. “He has been a bit weird when we're out lately, a little spaced out, you know? Not as into the ladies as he usually is?”

“Funny, ladies is all he talks about these days.” Chinen smiles joylessly.

“... Maybe he really is trying to make you jealous.” Keito puts in, and Chinen turns to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “What? If I suddenly started questioning my sexuality I'd have no idea how to proceed on it and if he has anything similar to a crush on you he'll just want your attention. I can see his logic if that's what he's doing.”

“I...” Chinen starts, but then trails off, too caught up in the words of Yamada and crush in the same sentence. “Crush?”

“Yeah, that's the thing you have before you fall completely and idiotically in love like you did.” Yuto says helpfully, which makes Chinen slap him, hard.

“If someone you already care for suddenly gives you an amazing blowjob you'd probably see them in a new light, and that could easily become a crush.” Keito clarifies, and Chinen calls them both ridiculous to cover up the fact that he's getting actual hopes.

“We're going out Friday night.” Yuto says. “You should come along, have you ever been out with him?”

“Not really, I've just met him out once or twice?” Chinen frowns, because even though Yamada's offered him to come along before, he's never wanted to. Yamada's really pretty and seemingly very easy when he's drunk and Chinen doesn't need to see that.

“Come on, you should.” Yuto says. “I won't tell him you're coming, don't worry.”

“I'm not very interested in seeing him make out with girls to be honest.” Chinen says, but Yuto shakes his head.

“Then you make out with someone before he has the chance.” Yuto suggests. “I bet he'll want to kill something.”

Chinen just looks at Yuto sceptically. “Why?”

“He's never seen you with anyone, right? I'm sure he's not gonna be okay with it.” Yuto grins. “If he's trying to make you jealous, just make him jealous in return? Ignore him and he'll come to you, that's how men work.”

“Your advice sucks.” Chinen settles, and Keito looks like he agrees.

But he has that suggestion in the back of his mind when he follows Yuto and Keito to the place where they mostly hang out, and he thinks that maybe the basic idea isn't so bad.

Yamada's there, a whole group of friends around him as they occupy a big table, and while he greets Yuto happily, his shocked face when he notices Chinen is almost laughable.

Chinen grins, just raises his eyebrows in acknowledgement for half a second as he sits down, then greets the people around him instead.

He's not normally very social, but he has Yuto's advice repeating in his head, and he feels like just talking to new people is the best way of executing it. There are two girls and a guy opposite him and Yuto that he doesn't know, but they're nice and when they start talking some more, he recognizes their characters from people Yamada's often talking about. One of the girls is someone that is not Yamada's favourite, he can tell it's her easily since she has this “annoying stupid laugh”, but he tries to ignore it and be nice anyway.

After a while, he goes to get something more to drink for him and Yuto, and he barely gets his order out to the bartender before there's a touch to his shoulder and he already knows who it is.

“I didn't know you were coming.” Yamada says, his glass of beer in one hand shows that he clearly has no business buying anything, so Chinen figures he must have just followed him.

He shrugs, playing the casual card because he knows it frustrates Yamada. “Yuto asked me.”

“You should have told me, I didn't know you liked this kind of thing?” Yamada says, almost sounding a little offended.

“Once in a while it's nice.” Chinen says evasively, and Yamada frowns.

“At least come sit with me instead of miss hyena-laugh, I wanna see you get drunk.”

“I drink with you at home?” Chinen suggests, but the excitement at knowing Yamada wants to be with him is bubbling on the inside and he promises himself to thank Yuto later for the idea of doing things this way.

“We don't get drunk at home.” Yamada rolls his eyes but he's smiling now. “Wanna get shots?”

Chinen thinks about that suggestion for a split second, thinking that it's probably not a good idea but then again one shot never hurt anyone.

“Sure.” He smiles back, and Yamada sets his beer down and orders for them, paying without Chinen even asking him to.

Chinen's order arrives but he sets the glasses next to Yamada's and waits for their shots instead. Yuto won't mind waiting.

The bartender sets their shots before them, something layered and Chinen looks at it sceptically as he lifts it.

“It's good, I promise.” Yamada smiles and raises his own tiny glass. “You have to dance with me later.”

“Whatever you say.” Chinen grins, and meets Yamada's eyes before he downs the shot. It is good, one of the layers must have been cream, and he starts to realize why Yamada keeps thinking he's not healthy enough all the time.

He shamelessly watches Yamada swallow while he feels the alcohol warm him from the inside out.

“Good, right?” Yamada asks and puts the small glass back on the counter. “We should have another one later.”

“If you pay I'll drink.” Chinen shrugs with a smile, then takes the glasses he paid for and starts heading back to their table.

He gives Yuto his beer but since Yamada pointedly stares at him across the table, he sits down over there instead. One of Yamada's best friends, Daiki, is on Chinen's other side, and even though he's met the guy before, he's never really talked to him. Turns out he's hilarious and really easy to talk to, and Chinen finds himself having fun. He's also surrendered to the thought of getting drunk tonight even if that wasn't his intention, because Yamada is very much focused on him and the fact that he's drinking.

New people arrive and Yamada seems to know all of them, happily introduces Chinen as his law school flat mate who studies too much for his own good, and most people nod in understanding as if they've heard about him before.

One of the girls sitting across from them with a cider and really red lipstick seems to take an interest in Chinen, talking to him even when someone else is too, flipping her hair a lot and adjusting her tank top neckline some. Chinen recognizes flirting when he sees it, and even though he's not interested in her like that, she's nice and pretty and she takes dance classes, which is something they have in common.

“We should dance!” She says finally, after they had an excited exchange about techniques, and Chinen agrees that of course they should.

Chinen rises from his seat and Daiki glances up to see where he's going while Yamada's busy leaning halfway across the table to talk to someone.

He follows the girl onto the dancefloor, and if he had fun earlier, he feels at home when he can dance. He's classically schooled since he was little, so club dancing might not be his forte, but knowing your rhythm and limbs is universal no matter what music it is. The girl is definitely more used to club music, and he observes and learns quickly.

He doesn't normally dance when he's out, prefers sitting safely by a table and drink in peace, but dancing with someone who knows how to do it definitely brings it to another level. It's not until she starts rolling her hips almost into his and her hands find his shoulders that he's starting to feel uncomfortable, knowing he has to make clear he's not interested without being a douche and dammit this is why he doesn't go out.

Right about then he feels a hand on his shoulder and he turns to see Yamada, and if that isn't jealousy in his eyes right there Chinen doesn't know what it is. The girl is distracted by one of her friends and when Chinen looks around, it seems most of their table decided it was time to dance.

Yamada's expression goes back to normal so quickly Chinen almost thinks he imagined that moment, smiling and letting go of him as if he just touched him to say hi.

The rest of the night, Chinen mostly wants to go home, reminded of why he doesn't usually go out. The girl he danced with keeps glancing at him as if to pointedly beckon him over, and it's loud with the music and dancing isn't getting him drunker.

He doesn't know what time it is exactly, but he's surprised when Yamada leans over so close that the hairs on Chinen's neck rises and says that he's thinking about going home, what does Chinen think.

He nods, of course, and when there's a catcall and a joke about them going home together, he feels something twist in his stomach but it's more like anticipation than bitterness.

Yamada just laughs at the joke and waves goodbye, stumbling a little and Chinen catches his arm just in case.

There are still buses so they catch one of those and Yamada leans his head on Chinen's shoulder when they're sitting down.

“I didn't know you danced like that.” He says, almost sounding a little accusing and like he's been wanting to say it for a while.

“What?” Chinen asks, not sure where this conversation just started, but he has his ideas.

“With her. I mean I know you dance but not that you dance dirty.” Yamada explains, and Chinen snorts, not sure if he's embarrassed or flattered or if Yamada's just being ridiculous.

“That wasn't dirty, have you ever seen dirty?” He asks instead, laughing a little but mostly because he's nervous. Trying the teasing role was fun while there were people around, but now that it's just him and Yamada his heart is hammering, wondering if tonight is the night they talk about this, and if it isn't he wonders how disappointed he'll be and tries to brace himself for it.

“I have.” Yamada says shamelessly and Chinen wants to bite his tongue because he didn't want to hear that. “But not like that. I thought... I guess I didn't think you were into girls.”

His voice is a little smaller when he says that, like he was ready to say the sentence but then changed his mind.

“I'm not.” Chinen says clearly, drunk enough to just admit it. And that blowjob probably gave a clue anyway.

“... Oh. You looked very into her.” Yamada mutters, almost sounding embarrassed about himself.

“Would it have mattered if I was?” Chinen asks just because he can, and because he wants to hear Yamada's answer to that.

“Yes! … I know her!” Yamada explains, but it sounds a little like an afterthought.

Chinen forces out a laugh even though he feels kind of disappointed. “I'll stop dirty dancing with your friends then.”

“Thank you.” Yamada says firmly, then adds after a moment's pause. “You said you'd dance with me but you didn't.”

Chinen thinks that it was actually a conscious decision not to, figuring that it would only end in him having an embarrassing boner. “Sorry.”

“Mm.” Yamada mumbles, seeming like he wants to say something else but stays quiet. It's their stop anyway.

Chinen's almost getting a little stressed as Yamada unlocks the door to their apartment, thinking that it needs to be brought up, they need to talk about what happened soon now that they're both drunk enough not to be so scared about it, and if it doesn't happen today he doesn't know when it will.

“Coffee?” Yamada asks as he kicks off his shoes and Chinen closes the door behind them.

“Yep.” He agrees, thankful for both the coffee and an excuse to stay awake for another while.

Yamada smiles and hangs up his jacket, then waits for Chinen before heading to the kitchen.

“It was fun being out with you.” Yamada says suddenly when he's preparing the coffee, not very clumsy despite the alcohol he had to drink. “You're fun.”

“I... Thanks?” Chinen doesn't really know what to say to that, not good with compliments at all.

“You should come along more often if you like.” Yamada goes on. “My friends liked you too. Especially the girls clearly.”

“I don't care much for the girls.” Chinen points out, because that last tone was almost like a passive aggressive hint.

Yamada nods slowly, apparently focused on turning on the coffee machine. But then he turns around so quickly Chinen jerks. “Look sorry I have to ask. You're gay, are you?”

It takes Chinen a moment to answer, blinking and collecting himself as well as he can with his heart racing at the possibility that this is it. “Yes?”

“How comes I never knew?” Yamada asks, seeming almost a little hurt, but also disappointed in himself.

“I... Don't think everyone needs to know who I sleep with, unlike some?” He suggests, and he knows his tone is defensive but this is dangerous territory.

“Do you... I've always thought.. Do you sleep with people?” Yamada asks, then seems to realize that sounded stupid. “I mean, I've never noticed anything but... You know.”

“Not like you do?” Chinen says, figuring it's a good enough answer.

“No I...” Yamada looks at him for a long moment. “I mean you clearly aren't a virgin, that's not what I meant. But I...”

Chinen can't really help smiling. “What exactly is it you want to ask? It's not like you can offend me much more now?”

Yamada rolls his eyes and leans against the counter, looking a little uncomfortable but mostly curious, and he takes a breath before talking. “... What you did with me, is that something you do often, or even sometimes, or was it just me?”

The silence is interrupted by the dripping of the coffee finishing, which lowers the tension considerably.

Chinen doesn't look at Yamada when he answers, not answering the question really. “Look, I never wanted to like you.”

“So you do like me?” Yamada asks, sounding urgent now and Chinen turns to look at him in surprise. “As in not just fooling around because of circumstances?”

“No I... Last time I did anything sexual with anyone else was like a year ago.” Chinen says, and normally he would never admit something like that to Yamada but his face is so serious.

“... And you want to... Do sexual things with me?” Yamada asks, seeming to weigh his words and Chinen's never seen him this considerate of someone's feelings and putting things delicately.

“... You could say that.” He finally admits after some unbidden thoughts that are rather explicit, then sighs, figuring to hell with it. “I mean, I like you. If it's a confession you want, have it, I've been in love with you for more than a year.”

Yamada just stares at him, opening his mouth and then closing it again like he has no idea how to respond, and Chinen immediately regrets he said anything.

“I...” Yamada finally gets a word out. “I had no idea it's been that long.”

“Well you weren't supposed to know at all. But then you brought her and I was so jealous and angry, and when you challenged me I... Saw my chance.” He shrugs awkwardly.

“... Wow.” Yamada gets out after another pause of trying to get his thoughts together. “I mean... I've never ever considered a man before. Never thought I'd let a man touch me either. And then suddenly you were on your knees before me and I couldn't stop staring at your lips because I see them everyday doing everyday things, and then suddenly they're wrapped around my dick and it felt so fucking dirty somehow. And I didn't even think about you being a man, not even when... I... I just thought that it was you.”

Chinen's cheeks heat up when he talks because he had no idea what Yamada was thinking, and for once he appreciates that Yamada doesn't have troubles talking about things like this.

“It was so good.” Yamada says, almost begging in confusion, and Chinen feels with him because he knows what it's like when you suddenly don't know what you like anymore. “And I can't stop thinking about it, or about you, and the more I look at you the more you appeal to me, the more I want to protect you from others and keep you all for myself. When you smile I want you to smile for me, and when you danced today, I... I've never felt that kind of jealousy before, ever, I kind of wanted to grab her hair and drag her away by it. But at the same time I have no idea if I could sleep with a man because the whole idea terrifies me. I don't know, sorry. It wasn't easier when I didn't even know if you liked me at all or that was just something that you do sometimes.”

Yamada takes a final long breath after his story and Chinen tries not to react too visibly.

It's good they're talking about it, he tries to keep telling himself, and the things Yamada says about jealously and protection makes him almost dizzy, but at the same time he needs to stay calm because Yamada has no idea what he's talking about.

“Well, I don't think I have to clarify what I want.” He says slowly, crossing his arms over his chest in protection.

“Would you?” Yamada asks, sounding like he just waited for it. “I have no idea what you want from me and what the difference is.”

“The difference from a girl you mean?” Chinen raises an eyebrow, and Yamada looks a little guilty. “I want you to be mine? I don't want to hear a word about slutty girls again, don't even want you near them, want you to look at only me and feel that you don't need anyone else. I want to be part of your life and maybe help you get a grip on your school work, meet your sisters and friends, and then maybe hold your hand and cuddle, or something. I am pretty high maintenance, but I hate poems and flowers?” He tries his best to not inhibit his feelings, and Yamada even smiles a little at the last part, but he still looks nervous.

“And the... um...” He starts, and it's obvious what he means.

“Sex?” Chinen asks, and he smiles at the irony. “You're okay with the boyfriend part but you're worried about sex? You?”

Yamada frowns. “Maybe, yes?”

“So are you saying you could imagine being in a relationship with me?” Chinen asks, the smile fading from his lips because if that's not what he heard then he needs it corrected now.

“I... I think so?” Yamada says, looking honest but a little confused. “Yuri I don't know, okay, sorry, I don't know anything except that you fucked up my life that time.”

“... Maybe we should talk about this sober after all.” Chinen says slowly, the disappointment making him more responsible in his attempt to save himself too much pain.

“Tell me about the sex.” Yamada says, pretending not to have heard him. “I've been thinking about it too much and I don't even know what it is I'm thinking about.”

“It's not that complicated, it's normal needs.” Chinen says, not sure if he's irritated and that was insensitive yet but words tumble out of his mouth on their own. “I want to kiss you, taste you, affect you. I want to touch you, I want you to moan for me and touch me back. And sometimes when I'm fantasizing too much I just want you to throw me down and fuck me senseless.”

Yamada's eyes are dark when Chinen looks at him again, and he looks uncertain of how he should react to that. “It sounds so fucking hot when you say it.”

“And still you're scared.” Chinen points out, making Yamada frown.

“I am, but I'm not nearly as scared now as I am when I think about it alone.” He says, sounding a little frustrated. “It's ridiculous, I already kind of tried it a bit with you and that's what gets me off these days and still the idea of doing more scares me.”

“Don't think so much.” Chinen recites automatically. “That's what they told me. If you want to do it, then you do it, if you don't, then you don't. It's not very difficult, are we done here?”

He doesn't mean to snap, but the pain of being almost there but then rejected is starting to dawn on him.

“Kiss me.” Yamada demands, so fiercely that Chinen pauses everything going on inside of him. “I want to do it so do it.”

Chinen doesn't move, just looks at Yamada closely and tries to keep his body from ignoring him completely and just take what it just got permission to. "I don't think I should."

"Well, then I'll kiss you." Yamada says, almost sounding a little annoyed as he steps forward, and even though Chinen hears him loud and clear he doesn't do anything to stop it from happening.

It's not earthshattering when Yamada leans in to press their lips together, but he's so close and Chinen involuntarily reacts at his smell and touch and it feels too good.

He feels Yamada's hands coming to rest on his hips and lets them, indulges just a little and lets Yamada kiss him without kissing back, even though he wants to grab a fistful of Yamada's hair and pry his lips apart with his tongue. Yamada presses their lips together a couple of times before pulling back as Chinen's not responding.

"Hey, I thought you liked me." He says quietly, sounding both disappointed and accusing and it's so ignorant.

"I'm not letting you start something you can't finish." Chinen glares up at him but still can't help thinking about how well their heights work compared to most guys he's been with before.

Yamada makes a small frustrated sound and his hands involuntarily tighten on Chinen's hips, and Chinen starts seeing his irritated tone for what it is. "Come on, I'll finish it, just... I want... Come on. I've thought a lot about how you'd kiss, I want to know. You want this too, I know you do."

"Yes, I do, but I don't expect it to happen just because of it." Chinen growls, so damn tired of Yamada always getting what he wants and shoves at him to make him back a step. "You're so spoiled!"

Anger flashes in Yamada's eyes and Chinen half expects a slap in the face, but the next second Yamada's back in his personal space, a hand on the back of his head to keep him from pulling away as Yamada kisses him hard and Chinen just gives up. It's not a cheesy girl kiss this time, and Chinen reflexively parts his lips when Yamada's tongue brushes his lower lip and he tastes Yamada's small sound of approval. It's a competitive kiss more than anything, almost angry and it's so hot that the little resolve Chinen had left crumbles into nothing as Yamada nips at his lower lip. Yamada kisses like he's got something to prove, tasting strong of alcohol and something spicy and Chinen's hard before he knows it.

His own hands find Yamada's shoulders first, then wander before he can regain active motor control, goes to Yamada's face and into his hair and down his back. He tries to etch in memories of what this feels like but his mind is so fuzzy he barely knows where he is.

He's reminded of it when he feels the edge of the kitchen table against his lower back, and it's kind of ironic how he's the one against the table this time.

It's intoxicating how Yamada is so into it, how he kisses like he wants it and it's so so dangerous because Chinen knows this will end abruptly somewhere but the kisses lulls him into a dream where that won't happen.

He tries not to think, tries to just feel and enjoy himself, which isn't exactly difficult when Yamada's making these small noises into the kiss that he can't identify but they're for him, when Yamada keeps pressing closer like it's unconscious.

Chinen's legs spread a little on reflex and he catches himself wishing Yamada would just lift him onto the table and have his way with him right here.

Yamada's almost restless, never quite standing still like he doesn't know what to do with himself, and when he accidentally pushes a thigh into Chinen's very obvious erection, he's the one breaking the kiss to moan.

It's so hot, the sound enough to send goosebumps down Chinen's arms and makes his hands ache to grab him and pull him even closer, never let him go. He should stop this, he knows he should but he physically can't anymore, something has to happen he just needs to keep it from going way too far.

Yamada looks up at him almost questioningly, like he's looking for something he's doing wrong, panting and lips swollen and Chinen sees he's about to say something but he pulls him into another kiss before he gets any words out, scared of what might come out of Yamada's mouth.

But he's not that easily distracted, and even though Chinen tries to deepen the kiss, Yamada just gently bites at his lip and then pulls back again.

“I have no idea what I'm doing.” He mumbles, voice a strange mix of terrified and aroused.

“I think you do.” Chinen replies, and he doesn't recognize his own voice with how much deeper it's gotten since the last words he spoke.

Yamada bites his lip and he's so goddamn attractive that Chinen has to stifle a small frustrated moan.

“What do you want from me?” Yamada asks then, and Chinen groans because he can't just ask that, especially not in his fucking bedroom voice while looking so uncertain.

“Don't ask that.” He says as firmly as he can, trying to get himself under control enough to talk but his hands are shaking with want and his body doesn't want to listen to him anymore. It just wants Yamada.

“I ask what I want.” Yamada tells him, and clearly even Yamada's oblivious stubborn streak shining through can't turn Chinen off right now. “You never let yourself have what you want, do you? Tell me what you want.”

“What I want.” Chinen repeats, but then Yamada leans in to brush his lips against Chinen's temple and the shell of his ear and he forgets to breathe for a moment, hands tightening in Yamada's shirt to the point where he's afraid he might tear the fabric. “I want you to lift me onto the table and fuck me until I can't even think. But I won't let you do that.”

The last part is mostly to convince himself. He's not letting Yamada fuck him, not like this or now or here, even though his body is aching for it.

“Why not?” Yamada asks, breathier than just a moment ago and he pushes closer against Chinen's thigh.

The erection pressing against Chinen's inner thigh is obvious and Yamada's small groan into Chinen's hair makes him actually claw at Yamada's shoulders.

“Because you're a hopeless slut. And because you have no idea how to do it.” Chinen gets out, hurrying the words to make sure they come out before he loses his mind completely and lets Yamada persuade him into anything.

Yamada pulls back to look at him with a frown, but he doesn't look that offended, his hips rocking slowly against Chinen's like he can't help it. “Then what can I do?”

“Just...” Chinen pauses as Yamada's hands on his hips slip just under the hem of his shirt. “Just touch me?”

Yamada looks up at him under lashes for a moment and Chinen's second guessing himself immediately, until Yamada speaks. "Will you touch me back?"

"I'll do whatever you want." Chinen says, alcohol removing all filters as Yamada's hands on his sides settle against bare skin and he feels like he's going to crawl out of it with need.

Yamada smiles a little, hands sliding higher on Chinen's sides before withdrawing and settling on his hips again. "I want you to do whatever you want to me. Indulge for once. Show me."

To hell with it then, Chinen thinks as his mind finally can't resist any more temptation and he decides to just take what he can get.

There's a small sound of surprise when he fists a hand in Yamada's hair and tilts his head to the side, but he barely hears it, too distracted by the exposed neck before him as he pulls Yamada closer by his hair. Yamada's goddamn neck that he shows off with his low cut shirts and Chinen's stopped to stare more than once when he tilts his head to the side.

He means to kiss, really, but Yamada's skin is so warm and so smooth and he's seen so many nasty marks from random girls over it throughout time that before he knows it he's parted his lips to bite and suck.

He can feel Yamada's pulse in his lips, can hear his quick breaths in his ear and feel his fists clutching in Chinen's shirt as their hips keep rolling together and it's so good to feel how hard Yamada is. It means he wants this and it takes Chinen so much higher than he's ever felt with all his clothes still on, and his hand that's not forcing Yamada's head aside goes straight for Yamada's belt buckle instead because he wants to feel it properly.

Yamada seems completely caught off guard, like whatever he expected wasn't to be grabbed and manhandled, but he doesn't seem to mind that much considering the small moans that slip out with his breathing and makes the hairs at the back of Chinen's head rise.

His hands are clutching the hem of Chinen's shirt now, but stays motionless and passive, his breathing almost anticipating, waiting for what's next.

Chinen pulls back from the red mark on Yamada's skin that'll probably be on the black side tomorrow, lips throbbing and he needs more friction against them.

He kisses his way up Yamada's neck while fumbling with the belt single handed, brushes lips against his earlobe before flicking his tongue out to play with the crystal stud that's totally gay except it's not.

Yamada's breath hitches so much Chinen worries for a second that it stopped, but then his hand on Yamada's jeans is almost crushed as Yamada's hips press into his own with force and Chinen's insides clench pathetically at the thought of that thrust without any clothes in between them.

He finally gets Yamada's pants open and unashamedly sneaks a hand into his underwear, fingers bumping against the very wet head before wrapping around the silkier shaft.

Yamada moans practically in Chinen's ear, and it feels so personal, so close, making his grip on both Yamada's hair and his cock involuntarily tighten and Yamada gasps, mostly sounding in awe.

"Fuck." He gets out, and Chinen immediately loosens his grip, scared of coming on too strong. "You... Damn."

He seems like he wants to say something, but he clearly can't manage it, and Chinen feels those hands in his shirt de-tangle and relocate to his own belt buckle.

He bites his lip against the moan that wants to come out and lets his forehead fall on Yamada's shoulder because he can't look at him right now.

He doesn't stroke Yamada as much as he just holds and lets Yamada thrust up into his hand, and every single motion has his insides coiling tighter with heat and he wants Yamada to do that somewhere else, wants it so much that he almost orders Yamada to just bend him over, screw everything like preparation and safety and sanity.

But right then Yamada gets his pants open, he can feel the trembling fingers as they pull his zipper down and he sighs as the constriction of his jeans is eased, his own hand on Yamada's erection slacking considerably.

Yamada hesitates, and it's almost cute except it's nerve wrecking and almost torturous to feel fingertips repeatedly brush fleeting touches against the edge of his underwear and the skin just above before retreating again.

He jumps when he suddenly feels a touch to the back of his neck, and even though fingers sift into his hair to guide him back, he's already looking up and pulling his hand out of Yamada's pants, bracing himself for Yamada telling him he can't do this after all even though he's so turned on he might cry if Yamada won't touch him.

Yamada's expression is gorgeous, cheeks blushing red and lips so thick and slick, but his eyes are nervous and lost, and Chinen's starting to try and say it's okay when Yamada speaks.

“Help?” He says, the word a begging question, and Chinen nods breathlessly, not trusting his voice at all through the relief that Yamada doesn't want to stop.

He unceremoniously shoves a hand into his own underwear because he just can't wait anymore, groaning mostly in frustration because the touch he's used to is far from what he wanted. He sees Yamada's eyes dart down and his tongue comes out to lick his lips almost nervously, but it still makes Chinen moan pathetically, and Yamada's eyes go back up.

“What do I do?” He asks, voice almost a whisper, and his eyes are more focused than Chinen's ever seen them.

“What you do to yourself.” Chinen tells him, not able to speak enough for longer explanations, and Yamada nods once before Chinen feels fingertips against his wrist and he's so happy he's pressed against the table or his knees might give out.

Yamada's fingers tremble as they follow Chinen's down to wrap around his erection, and Chinen's eyes roll back at the sensation before he forces himself to focus on Yamada's expression. He looks interested and a little surprised, clearly unused to the feeling of someone else than himself, fingers testing pressure and Chinen removes his own hand to clutch onto the table instead because Yamada doesn't need help.

The first stroke is a little loose, hardly enough to get him anywhere but it feels too good, better than anyone that's ever touched him before and Chinen already knows how much of a mistake this is, but he can barely breathe and let alone talk. Yamada eventually figures the pressure out, and Chinen half-consciously analyses how Yamada touches him if this is what he does to himself, even though he tries not to conjure up any images because he doesn't need them to teeter on the edge already.

“Would you touch me too?” He barely hears Yamada ask, too busy focusing on not coming yet, but he quickly slips a hand back into Yamada's pants to return the favour.

His self control starts to rapidly slip away the second he wraps fingers around Yamada's cock again, because with it comes sounds of appreciation that triggers his nerves like a drug and sends his mind into what feels like an overload.

He tries to get something like a warning out, but he doesn't manage, instead just presses his face against Yamada's neck and comes with a pathetic whining sound but it feels so fucking good he doesn't even care.

He tries not to slow his hand down, and thankfully Yamada does most of the work by snapping his hips, but still he's almost surprised when Yamada clutches a hand onto his shoulder so tightly it hurts. But it's okay because his moan is a little broken and he's so pretty and there's heat spilling over Chinen's hand, and he can't look away from Yamada's face.

The silence that follows could have been awkward, but Chinen doesn't have the energy to freak out and Yamada clearly doesn't either. He just looks a little bewildered when he withdraws his hand from Chinen's pants and examines the stains like he doesn't know what to do with them. It's kind of cute.

Chinen wipes his own sticky hand on his pants, and even when he remembers they're nice jeans, he doesn't care. Yamada watches him do it and apparently decides to do the same, and Chinen can't help but glance down at the dark marks left on Yamada's pants and feel a little hot knowing that they belong to him.

Yamada sighs and Chinen looks up, just as Yamada raises his arms to wrap around Chinen's neck and then slumps against him with another small content sigh. Chinen reflexively hugs him back before he knows it, but he's not complaining, the feeling of Yamada's weight and warmth against him so comforting even though the position is really uncomfortable and his face is in Yamada's shoulder.

“That was hot.” Yamada mumbles, and Chinen inexplicably feels himself blushing for reasons he doesn't know. “Can we sleep now.”

Chinen clears his throat, wanting to say yes but something completely different comes out. “What about your coffee?”

“I don't want it.” Yamada says clearly, and Chinen rolls his eyes at the tone even though he doesn't mind Yamada not wanting coffee. “I just want to sleep.”

An involuntary replay of last time shows before Chinen's eyes, and the fuzzy pleasant feeling quickly starts to fade and he tenses. Yamada notices the change, judging from how he loosens his grip a little and looks at him with a small frown of concern.

“You can't pretend nothing happened again tomorrow.” Chinen says, his voice colder than he intended, and Yamada's frown deepens.

“I won't. I won't talk about slutty girls either. I may look at them some, but that's okay right?” He asks earnestly, and Chinen just stares at him, not sure what this conversation is anymore.

“What?” He asks, and Yamada slowly withdraws his hands and backs a step, looking defensive and Chinen wishes he'd have just shut the hell up.

“I... It sounded like...” Yamada starts, then breathes a sigh of frustration when he seemingly can't speak the words, and when he does speak again, it's quiet and quick, like there was anyone around to overhear him. “Like you wanted us to date.”

It takes Chinen a few moments to piece the situation together, and he stares at Yamada to try and see if he's doing a cruel joke. When Yamada just looks like he's about to run away, he clears his throat. “I do. But you're straight.”

“Don't tell me what I am!” Yamada snaps, and Chinen's a little surprised. “I want to try and I think you should let me. It's never worked out for me to date girls so why not try this.”

“... I...” Chinen sighs, silently wondering how much heartache he can expect but also thinks about how much more he can deny himself and makes a decision. “... Fine.”

“Yeah?” Yamada asks, but he sounds relieved. “You'll have to help me because I don't know... Anything.”

Chinen actually rolls his eyes, but he smiles too because please. “Don't be ridiculous, I don't even know what number I would be in your line of conquests.”

Yamada frowns and thinks for a moment, looking like he's about to say something, and Chinen immediately cuts him off, fearing an answer he doesn't want to hear.

“No, shut up about that. Don't talk about it ever. Let's sleep instead.”

“Good.” Yamada sighs, his expression relaxing. “This was exhausting.”

Chinen can only agree, and when he's finally in bed and Yamada's asleep right next to him, all he has energy to hope for right now is that Yamada will still be there when he wakes up.

 

~*~

Comments

[kayochii.livejournal.com]

why it feels so much angst from Chinen's side... :(

please continue this author-san!
I love it!

[h-itoshi.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry it just happened :(

Thank you, I probably will~